A confession to be made.

Stress, depression, confusion..
These are what I had been and am still facing right now..

My life changed, a lot.
Because I changed a alot.

I do not know when did the changes start happening, nor do I know what brought them on.
But life really sucks to the core now.

I am no more interested in my studies, or maybe I never was, but at least it wasn't that bad last time. I've lost every single bit of interest in what I study especially the pure science subjects. Everytime when exam comes near, I feel so lifeless, helpless, stressed, afraid, frustrated, depressed, and anxious. I fail to make myself study no matter how near the exam is until the very last minute, when the panic strikes.

I did try fixing it. I tried persuading myself to study, I tried to leave my procrastination behind and I did try to study, hard, because I really want to feel good again. But all that I've tried, all my effort did not work out. Not even a little...

Knowing that I will not go any further in science after form 5, I can't find a reason for me to study. Yes, I know there actually are, perhaps tons of them, but none are convincing enough for me and whatever motivation given had failed. Why must I bother about them when they have nothing to do with what I'll be doing in the future? I am not interested at ALL but yet I have to live with them!!!

I f*cking hate all the pure science and the non-future-related subjects that I'm forced to study. No, just say I hate everything about education. They turned my life into some miserable shit. Sometimes I wonder why must human be so advanced? Isn't it good if we are more simple- minded creatures and live an easier life? Life is meant to be enjoyed, life is short so be happy and blablabla, I've heard them again and again and I sincerely do agree with them. But how should I enjoy with these bothering me?

The idea of completely ignoring the test appeared again and again in my mind. Well, since they are nothing after form5, why should I care? I don't have to live with stress if I don't care about them! I can be happy then! I really want to not give a damn, but I'm afraid. I fear the consequences. All those years I had lived through, I cared very much about my academic results. I do not know how will things turn out if I really do so. What would my parents, my family and my teachers feel and think about me? And most importantly, how would I think about myself? Am I really going to be fine with it? Can I really face what's in front of my eyes? What will happen to my life then? Will I destroy my future with my own hands?

I'm stuck. Half of me want to not care but the other half still mind hell much about it. Honestly, being a so- called top student isn't as cool as it may sound. People see me as a smart ass or whatever in their eyes, and being someone who minds about how people think about me (I admit), I struggle hard to maintain my performance. But as time passes, I find it pointless. I realise that I'm working hard not for myself, but just for the sake of maintaining my performance and my image in peoples' eyes. How pathetic am I?

My life is screwed. There are times when I think about the reason why I'm still breathing. Why? Behind the smile and laughters, I struggle hard to live through every single day. I'm tired of crying silently at night, dropping tears onto my pillow and screaming in my heart. I want to be happy again. I'm sick of tears..

Perhaps I have to make a decision to be happy once again. So people, please stop the "you-dont-study-also-can-one-la" and don't expect something good from me anymore. They stress and freak me out. I've no confidence at all and I really really doubt my ability in maintaining my performance any longer. I'm sick of forcing myself to do something I hate and I don't think I want to continue doing it. Please, don't question me when you see me dropping to the bottom. I don't think I can handle it without tears.

I'm taking the easy path. I know I shouldn't, but please allow me. I'm tired.
I just want to be myself,
do what I like,
and be happy...