What should I say?

I'm here to save my blog from dying after so long!

The reason I have not been updating my blog is..
As usual, nothing to blog about. Yup, as pathetic as it may sound, my life is booooring.

Ok now, before I start nagging with my old my-life-is-so-boring, let's take a peek at the latest happenings.

The hottest happening is of course, Micheal Jackson's death. I was in shock when Cecilia told me the news that he died, but that's all. No sad no tears, I felt nothing. Hey hey, don't start criticizing please. I did not live in a Micheal-Jackson-trend environment nor I was a big fan of him, so no, his death did not give me a big impact. However, may you rest in peace MJ.

Next, I think my stuff is playing some sort of hide-and-seek game with me now. I've lost my earrings, my bottle, my pen and my tie. Hell yeah, I've lost my tie. Stuuupid! I only realised it this morning when I had only 10 minutes or so left before leaving to school. Lol, guess this is what happens when you don't get things ready earlier =P I end up going to school with my last year's old tie. Luckily I did not dump it, hehehehe.

Oh yeah, I was late to school today. Not because of the dumb tie of course, not really. I was surprised to find out that many of my classmates were late too, hahahha! And we were pointing at each other, saying hi and laughing out loud in the canteen. Such an coincidence :D

Something happened after the morning assembly which kind of blew our mood off. One of my classmates got 'punished' for some not-so-serious reason, sigh. I don't understand why do certain people like to spoil one's mood :( Poor her.

Oh, I nearly forgot about the war in my class. It was.... Stunning I would say -.- I have not seen much scenes like this other than on TV. Hope things will get better soon.

Guess that's it. I shall not continue anymore cause your eyes are slowly shutting already.
Right? Hehehhee.
So bye!

p/s: Mountain of homeworks to be done T..T

Fed up.

I think I found out the reason why I don't like being in the family.

There's no privacy at all.

No secret, no respect, nothing.

People often say family should be the closest one in life, but I believe sharing secrets has its limitation even if its among family. I hate it when some small matter is being spread around like a breaking news which made me being questioned as if I did a crime.

I did not.

It is so obvious that I do not like to be bugged with questions, so please stop creating issues that might bring up any of them.

I don't like being questioned. I think I can handle my own business, with my own way of course. Help? Don't worry, I'll speak them out if I need it. Otherwise, I would be glad if you stay away.

My business is not for you to bother about.
I've repeated it zillions times but I don't think the words made it into your brain.
Remember that, okay?

Short now!

I got the 30th placing in my school Jogathon this year.

FYI, I got 31st last year while the school only awarded medals for the top 30! So yeah, think you could guess how upset I went. Luckily this year, my placing improved by ONE. Only ONE, but its good enough for me to get a medal. At least I did not come home empty handed for my last year of Jogathon in school, hehehe.


Weng Yian said I won because she did not take part. Ohh come on, that's your problem ;P

Esther and I went straight to Snowflakes at Selayang Mall after everything ended and we bumped into Carissa and Tarveendar. Snowflakes has become the favourite hang out place of us I would say =) I stayed there until 10pm+ yesterday, syiokness!

We wanted to wait for Cecilia initially, as she promised to reach there at 1pm something. I guess Cecilia's watch must have something wrong cause her 1pm+ turned out to be 3pm+! Because of that, Esther went off.

Remember Cecilia, you owe both of us a mealll!
*grin*

We went for a haircut with Weng Yian and Tracy who came later. I didn't plan to cut at first, but after being persuaded by them... I ended up walking out of the saloon with a short hair T_T
Loool, still not so used to my short hair yet ;(

Don't ask me why I cut it so short, because even I don't know the reason!
Impulse cutting? I think so -..-

Finally

After the forever-on-going delays, procrastination and all, my new blog layout is finally out of the oven!

Guess this is enough to satisfy the LYLAS huh? Hahaha!

But as what I said earlier, I won't be updating much in this blog. Reason?

Nothing to blog about laaa! Told you my life is boring.

So for now..

Holiday's over, school's back.

School is dead, as usual.
And hell, our school jogathon is getting so-not-jogathon! Have you ever heard of a jogathon which the participants are forced to fork out their pocket money if they fail to collect the organiser's desired amount? Lame lame lame, I know.

Exam papers are flowing back one by one, but odd to say, I have not much feelings when I look at the what-the-heck marks. Lol yup, my result dropped like BLAAAAAAA, as what I've expected.

Nahhh, don't have to comfort me. I'm not sad.
I feel nothing!


Pictures time =)

Something a little more meaningful during holiday I did.

FREE!

First of all,

I AM FREE OF EXAM!!!!
(for now.)

Weeee, after 3 stressful weeks I'm finally done with it! Okay, not really if you count Civic and PJ papers in.

I don't care how the results will turn out, for now let's just celebrate that we can breathe =)

3 more days to the long awaited holidays.
I'm going to Redang during the holidays, how cooool! Beach oh beach, here I come! XD

Nothing to blog about, bye!

STAY STRONGGGGG!

I screwed my History paper 1, so what?

I've caught a flu and my head's aching like its about to crack, so what?

I still have to hold myself on and swallow 400 pages of Chemistry facts by tomorrow!

Sigh, exam is cold blooded.

Say you agree?

A confession to be made.

Stress, depression, confusion..
These are what I had been and am still facing right now..

My life changed, a lot.
Because I changed a alot.

I do not know when did the changes start happening, nor do I know what brought them on.
But life really sucks to the core now.

I am no more interested in my studies, or maybe I never was, but at least it wasn't that bad last time. I've lost every single bit of interest in what I study especially the pure science subjects. Everytime when exam comes near, I feel so lifeless, helpless, stressed, afraid, frustrated, depressed, and anxious. I fail to make myself study no matter how near the exam is until the very last minute, when the panic strikes.

I did try fixing it. I tried persuading myself to study, I tried to leave my procrastination behind and I did try to study, hard, because I really want to feel good again. But all that I've tried, all my effort did not work out. Not even a little...

Knowing that I will not go any further in science after form 5, I can't find a reason for me to study. Yes, I know there actually are, perhaps tons of them, but none are convincing enough for me and whatever motivation given had failed. Why must I bother about them when they have nothing to do with what I'll be doing in the future? I am not interested at ALL but yet I have to live with them!!!

I f*cking hate all the pure science and the non-future-related subjects that I'm forced to study. No, just say I hate everything about education. They turned my life into some miserable shit. Sometimes I wonder why must human be so advanced? Isn't it good if we are more simple- minded creatures and live an easier life? Life is meant to be enjoyed, life is short so be happy and blablabla, I've heard them again and again and I sincerely do agree with them. But how should I enjoy with these bothering me?

The idea of completely ignoring the test appeared again and again in my mind. Well, since they are nothing after form5, why should I care? I don't have to live with stress if I don't care about them! I can be happy then! I really want to not give a damn, but I'm afraid. I fear the consequences. All those years I had lived through, I cared very much about my academic results. I do not know how will things turn out if I really do so. What would my parents, my family and my teachers feel and think about me? And most importantly, how would I think about myself? Am I really going to be fine with it? Can I really face what's in front of my eyes? What will happen to my life then? Will I destroy my future with my own hands?

I'm stuck. Half of me want to not care but the other half still mind hell much about it. Honestly, being a so- called top student isn't as cool as it may sound. People see me as a smart ass or whatever in their eyes, and being someone who minds about how people think about me (I admit), I struggle hard to maintain my performance. But as time passes, I find it pointless. I realise that I'm working hard not for myself, but just for the sake of maintaining my performance and my image in peoples' eyes. How pathetic am I?

My life is screwed. There are times when I think about the reason why I'm still breathing. Why? Behind the smile and laughters, I struggle hard to live through every single day. I'm tired of crying silently at night, dropping tears onto my pillow and screaming in my heart. I want to be happy again. I'm sick of tears..

Perhaps I have to make a decision to be happy once again. So people, please stop the "you-dont-study-also-can-one-la" and don't expect something good from me anymore. They stress and freak me out. I've no confidence at all and I really really doubt my ability in maintaining my performance any longer. I'm sick of forcing myself to do something I hate and I don't think I want to continue doing it. Please, don't question me when you see me dropping to the bottom. I don't think I can handle it without tears.

I'm taking the easy path. I know I shouldn't, but please allow me. I'm tired.
I just want to be myself,
do what I like,
and be happy...

NO NO, Don't come back!

I am feeling stress!!

The whole week had been really busy, again. Homeworks are seriously stressing me out and I have soooooooooo much to be completed by Monday. Worse of all, I will be out for some competition tomorrow for almost whole day.

Count count, how much time left? One day.

T_____________________________T

And mid- term is next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I had a lot of fun today :D Went to Cecilia's sister's shop early in the morning to help them out with the shop opening. I enjoyed walking around, giving out free cookies and persuading people to try the shaved ice out, not forgetting how many we rolled our eyes when people were being rude and how we laughed out loud when funny things happened. xD Cecilia, Farz, Tarveendar, Weng Yian and Esther, let's work there after SPM. HAHA XD

Oh btw, the shop name is called Snowflakes. The ice selling there was, trust me, yummmmy! Especially the peanut one, slrpppp!

Do pay a visit if you happen to go to Selayang Mall ok? xD

Best shot of the day

So sorry Cecilia, but I can't help it. Whack me if you want.

HAHAHAHA XDDDD

Ignorance is bliss.

No, we are not sorry.

That week.

My blog went dead for a while because I was feeling lazyyy to blog.

Why?
BECAUSE PEOPLE SAID MY BLOG IS TOO WORDY AND IT HURT ME SO I DECIDED NOT TO BLOG ANYMORE T_______T

No lah just kidding -.-

This is my blog, so I'll just blog the way I want.

Last week was really busy. I was out for Monday, Tuesday and Friday for volleyball competition. Happy to say both the junior and senior teams got third placing. Well, I admit that we did feel disappointed as we were aiming for at least a silver medal.. But yeah, at least its something =)

I did not expect to get this in my secondary life, LOL.

Some pictures =)

A big big thank you to everyone who wished us good luck. Oh and if you dont mind, please stop telling me how dark I am now T__T Because that's what the first thing everyone said to me when they saw me. Saddddd. I've got bad sunburn!


I sat for intervension papers on Wednesday and Thursday. Funny to say, most of the teachers were hunting for me. HAHAHA, why? They want me to resit for the papers ASAP so badly! Luckily I was out again on Friday and escaped! Loool xD But tomorrow, hmm... =_= FYI I've not touched my books yet and I might will be going out later. Oh well.. Screw it!

The funniest thing is, I had to hide wait in the toilet while my class was marking the bio papers. WTH right?

Saturday was my school's annual speech day, one of the important events in my school. I spent my precious Saturday morning there and got a certificate and some money back as reward. Lool, not too bad la. I shall thank the school for that. I skipped the 'jamuan ringan' though, because the way people fight for get their food scared me off. Really speechless.. -_-

I pray for tomorrow.

As you know, today's the day for the first round of volleyball competition. Happy to say, our team won both the matches today and we're in semi- final if I'm not mistaken.

So, the second and final round will be tomorrow. Please pray that we'll win, I'm desperate to taste victory. I pray, we pray. Okay?

Good luck and all the best.


=========================

There is a fullstop for everything. You know how much it is damaging you, please stop doing it. You've read those stories which scare the hell out, so why can't you stop and leave that dumb thing alone? You ain't gonna live with it, you can't. It will and it can NEVER happen, I demand you to stop it right now.

Tomorrow, 21 April will be the day for a new life. Make a promise, my dear. Trust yourself that it'll workout. And most importantly, keep your words. Every promise you break you're pushing yourself nearer to the cliff, towards the death. You know it very well don't you?

You've seen what it had brought you, yes those extra junks that you need to get rid of. You witnessed how evil it was and how miserable your life had been with it. You've had enough, its time to fight against the dark.

Use your pride, your mind, your imagination. You know what you have, use them now. Please, I'm begging. Leave it before its too late, let it makes no more harm to your life. Your life shouldn't be such crappish, take it under your own control instead of being taken over by something else.

You know you can if you want it. You always can. So make no difference this time, leave it.

I'm saying, praying, begging from my heart right now.
Its time for a change.


[ Don't ask me wthell is this for. Something personal, only for myself and urh... related ones :D ]

Smoked

Tired?

No la, I'm not.

I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!

Today's weather was extremely HOT and the sun had sooo freaking much energy. The sky was so clear that there wasn't even a piece of cloud to cover that sun for just a few seconds! Give me a magnifying glass and I could burn myself up in no time.

It should be bearable if I was staying indoor but unfortunately, I was under the sun since 11am until almost 4pm today! I was basically barbequed or roasted if you prefer it. Everyone said so. I felt my face was all crumpled together as I couldn't open my eyes wide because of the sun and I had to use my fingers to stretch my face at the end of the day, lol. Sigh, all for the sake of volleyball. Nvm, soon it'll be over. Next Monday is the day and I hope we can get something.

Pray hard.

Also because of that, I get to sit for most of my papers later, meaning I have more time to study? Ahh, I doubt so. I just don't think I can study after the exhausting matches. I'm not supergirl ok?

I was out of the class for the entire day. Speech day rehearsel before recess and volleyball practise after recess, no books. Oh urhm, I'm still in the shock with what I got for my last year's acedemy. Unbelievable and unexpected.

Friendship is fragile.
Never under estimate the power of words,
they can be utterly destructive.

No no no

Sorry people, was not in the mood to update my blog.

Well, too lazy to update to be exact, hee. And with some people around me?
Nehh, too risky. I'm sick of squeezing my brain to create new bloglinks. Get me? =)

Anyway, my easily-annoyed mood is back so yeah, I'm sorry but if you're trying or planning to make fun of me, get the others. Just not me for today, tomorrow, anytime until I'm out of this mood.

School hours have been and will still be occupied with all kind of career talks, exhibitions or anything related for the whole week. You should see my class' attendance, wonderful! But they can't be blamed because even I wish to do so but due to certain responbilities I'm tied to, I've no choice but to drag myself to school. Sigh..

I expect tomorrow to be a dull day, really.
Especially with all the happenings.



The same, old things I want to scream about:

1. EXAM NEXT WEEK. SHIT LAAAAA!
2. Volleyball competition? God bless us, lol.
3. So many career talks and exhibitions but I'm still remaining as a lost sheep.
4. Don't drag me into that kind of thing. I had enough and its getting on my nerve everytime it becomes the topic.

Oh btw, I've got my P licence but I'm not excited nor eager to drive.
They said I'm weird, lol whatever la. I enjoy being fetched.

Cheers =)

Joke of the day

Be patient and read the whole thing. Enjoy =)

('.') γєєп ° says:
im an observer =D

(M) kse. / n2o says:
....
u been...
looking
...
at
my leg ?!
shitssssssss... my leg got eye raped

('.') γєєп ° says:
OBSERVE =/= STALK !
sorry la, i X interested dengan kaki kau
kaki saya dah cukup cantik

(M) kse. / n2o says:
jagan menipu
OMG
dekat mana cantiks?

('.') γєєп ° says:
itu bukan awak punya business

(M) kse. / n2o says:
alaaa
saya juga ingin mengetahu
boleh lah saya ambil bila u rip
XD

('.') γєєп ° says:
saya rip pun kaki saya akan lekat dengan mayat saya
awak jangan mimpi nak ambil

(M) kse. / n2o says:
oo..
tak apa lo
T.T

('.') γєєп ° says:
pergi pasar, beli kaki ayam
itu padan dengan kau!

(M) kse. / n2o says:
HAHA
itu terlalu pendeks

('.') γєєп ° says:
awak memang pendek kan
ngek ngek

(M) kse. / n2o says:
nanti saya jalan belompat
...
insulted

('.') γєєп ° says:
xD
ok la, pergi cari kaki bangau

(M) kse. / n2o says:
mengeinsultkan !

('.') γєєп ° says:
cukp panjang

(M) kse. / n2o says:
saya cakap u handsem
u mengeinsultkan saya pendek

('.') γєєп ° says:
handsem itu satu insult
sebab saya perempuan
you buta kah apa

(M) kse. / n2o says:
ohh.. maaf
saya tak nampak depan u
rupa rupanya ada sedikit
( XDDDD )

('.') γєєп ° says:
itu mata tak guna langsung
korek & buang laaaa

(M) kse. / n2o says:
x boleh
kalau buang.. lagi tak nampak depan u

('.') γєєп ° says:
tukar dengan ayam, mata ayam pun better drpd away punya

(M) kse. / n2o says:
sekarang pun kena guna telescope
baru nampak siki
ayam mana mao ambil matanya?

('.') γєєп ° says:
itu pasar kan banyak
yang kepala kena chopped off tu

(M) kse. / n2o says:
tapikan

('.') γєєп ° says:
simply pilih satu dan korek, lepas tu stuff dalam lubang mata kau la

(M) kse. / n2o says:
mata mereka banyak kecil
saya takut nantikan

('.') γєєп ° says:
mata awak besar sangat kahhhh sekarang

(M) kse. / n2o says:
sudah kecil
saya tengok lagi kecil oo

('.') γєєп ° says:
mata ayam ada magnifying effect tau

(M) kse. / n2o says:
lepas itu kapal terbang boleh terbang dekat tempat itu
macam mana?

('.') γєєп ° says:
itu kau punya imaginasi la
kan i kata mata ayam boleh magnify punya

(M) kse. / n2o says:
really?
got merh?

('.') γєєп ° says:
betul laaaa
i tak tipu, i budak baik

(M) kse. / n2o says:
oo...
saya percaya awak

('.') γєєп ° says:
betul, itu pilihan yang bernas sekali!

(M) kse. / n2o says:
=.=''
wat is this?
who wans to be a millionair merh?

('.') γєєп ° says:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(M) kse. / n2o says:
adakah jawapan anda muktamad?

('.') γєєп ° says:
eh
itu kan saya yang tanya
awak yg pilih kan =.=

(M) kse. / n2o says:
oo...

('.') γєєп ° says:
bodoh

(M) kse. / n2o says:
okok ><
MAAF LA

('.') γєєп ° says:
TIDAK DIMAAFKAN

(M) kse. / n2o says:
saya tak mao jadi millionair dah !

('.') γєєп ° says:
ANDA TELAH DISQUALIFIED-KAN

(M) kse. / n2o says:
TERUUKS
WAH

('.') γєєп ° says:
sila berambus

(M) kse. / n2o says:
WAAA
BERAMBUS?
damn ganas man

('.') γєєп ° says:
tak ganas nanti kau tak berambus
susahlah i

(M) kse. / n2o says:
saya akan berambus
jagan worry

('.') γєєп ° says:
adakah anda pasti?

(M) kse. / n2o says:
ya

('.') γєєп ° says:
adakah itu keputusan MUKTAMAD?

(M) kse. / n2o says:
jawanpan saya muktamad !

('.') γєєп ° says:
TAHNIAH, ANDA TELAH DI-BERAMBUS-KAN

(M) kse. / n2o says:
OHH YEAHHHH !
mana hadiah sayaaa?

('.') γєєп ° says:
BAGI MAKLUMAT ANDA, ANDA IALAH PEMENANG PERTAMA YANG MEMENANGI HADIAH BERAMBUS INI
apakah perasaan anda sekarang?
hadiah berambus la tu

(M) kse. / n2o says:
ohhh
sayaaaaa
sagat gembira
sayaaa mahu terimakasih kepada chaiyeen
yang sagat megelamekan

('.') γєєп ° says:
oh, tak payah terima kasih saya
itu semua adalah hasil titik peluh anda
anda deserve it sangat!

kse. / n2o says:
damn crap man we both
=.=''


- The End -

Special credit to:
KSE for being lame enough!

Failed

Bahhh.

Its getting more and more annoying now.
Stop it, please.


Damn, why are there distractions all the time?
I really need to get myself out of it.
I must, before its too late.

Future.

Had been thinking a lot about my future lately.

Nahh, not the my-boyfriend-or-husband-has-to-be-blablabla kind of thing, that's not me. Its about my study and career after high school.

Many of my friends already have an idea or even planned their path after SPM. They know what they want and they've decided which course to persue.

Unlike them, I'm still one of the miserable lost sheeps who failed to figure out a plan for myself.

As time flows bit by bit like a rocket, the fear in me is also expanding.

What am I gonna do after form 5? What if I can't get a suitable course and end up having nothing? What if...

Okok, maybe I'm thinking too much. Stop right there!

Anyway, life is still as crappish. Homeworks are left to deal with the growing procrastination in me. I have to admit that I'm getting worse day by day. I don't even give a damn to open my bag and do my homework after I'm home.

Man.. Wth is wrong with me? Its SPM year, and on top of that, intervensi 2 is starting within 2 weeks+ time. Worst of all, if you ask me what did I learn for Bio this year? My answer would be.... *blank face* I can't even remember what's the first chapter called.

How great right?

I believe I'll screw my test this time, I really do. Unfortunately, nobody seems to agree with me. Fine, we'll see, then you know I'm not a genius or whatever crap but a normal human.

With a lazy mind.

Good night good bye.

April fool? Fool yourself =)

I skipped all my classes in school today except the last 2 Physics periods which I don't count it as a class because basically what we did was all about copying and I learnt nothing new.

Wonder why did I skip? Well, that shows you don't know me well enough. I might sound goodie but deep inside I'm a true rebel. I sneaked out early in the morning and lepak-ed at somewhere called a secret until the school almost ended.

And I'm lucky enough to not to get caught!

Then again, if you believe all those craps above, you really don't know me well. How on earth would I dare to skip classes? Especially when I'm the monitor and will easily be spotted if I wasn't in class.

Lol, but the fact that I missed all the classes was true. Early in the morning we were all down to the hall to be guided on the new koko book system, and then the BORINGEST ON EARTH talk regarding pencegahan dadah with the disgusting, improper photos. Oh but Andrianna was so cool during the performance, wooots! With all the commands and the 'Haaaksss!' xD

After recess, the whole gang of us (minus Andrianna, poor thing!) went to bilik masakan to get our blood test done. We were too polite and kind to let everyone went before us (its true la, our real intention is another story ok? LOL.) and end up us being almost the last batch to go though we were the first batch to reach, hahaha!

Details on the funny and annoying things that happened while we waited? Go to Cecilia's blog!


Once again, you complained. Since you have so much to comment on my work, why don't you tell me what to do then? Even you couldn't give me a proper answer, yeah?
So stop complaining you *toot*!

Move on, with the new me.

CHECKLIST for 30 MARCH 2009

- BM Lisan ( )
- Maths 1 ( )
- A. Maths 1 ( )
- Comprehension ( )
- Smoking Survey ( )
- Moral Kerja Amal ( )
- Read up 'Alcohol' ( )
- Revision ( )


Uh ow, procrastination alert?

Lol, whatever la. So what if exam's coming?
I have excuse for screwing it - ITS CLASHING WITH THE VOLLEYBALL COMPETITION CAN?!!

Blehh =P

====

I promise myself. Forget all the past crap shit, make it serious this time.
No more no more!!

I feel like dancing suddenly.
Sweat?

TGIS

FINALLY ITS WEEKEND AGAIN!

The whole week had been exhausting.

This applies to almost every student I think, because holiday just ended and before we actually managed to switch back to study mode again, homeworks already come pouring in like nobody's business.

Teachers were rushing their asses off to make sure they can finish the syllabus on time and us? Trying hard to absorb (lol, at least some of them were) and most of the time showing a puzzled look. At the end of every lesson, its normal to see our heads down on the table.

Anyway, we had our annual photograghy session on Wednesday and Thursday. The most annoying part of it was the never- ending announcements calling for members of societies to get down. Even teachers were frustrated with it.

Teacher "So girls, KMM telah bekerjasama dengan Jepun to..."
Speaker "Maaf kerana mengganggu, diminta AJK Kelab...."
Teacher *Pause with a helpless look*
Teacher "Ok let's continue. KMM coorperated with Jepan because of the..."
Speaker "Saya ulang, diminta AJK Kelab....."
Students "AIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!#$@#"
Teacher *Rolls eyes and shakes head*

Personally, I think it was quite a waste of time because every body took forever to settle themself with their desired pose. And shhhh, the photographers suck! Well if you are to work for an English school, then at least please learn how to speak to the students in English lah. Not everyone could understand your Mandarin okay.

April is coming soon.

It'll be a super busy month and I'm gonna hate it. Volleyball competition is clashing with my Intervention Test on 20th. Sighh..

My driving test on 7th April.
Ahhh, that's freaking fast can >.< Thinking of it is already enough to make me nervous.
Hopefully I'll pass, I don't want to waste money and time. =(
*pray*

Middle of the night.

Good morning everyone.

Stop rubbing your eyes, they are fine. It is indeed 1am in the morning now and tomorrow I mean today, is a school day. FYI, I'll be getting up and going to school in 5 hours time.

Ever since that idiot digged up my blog, I decided the best time to blog would be now, when everyone's in their own dreamland, it'll my time to be here to spit out all my thoughts, with the companion of the water dripping sound from the aquarium, sacrificing my sleeping time just for this and end up going to school the next day in a zombie state and big, puffy eyes with two incredible eye bags under them.

Am I going insane?
Am I ruinning myself?
Am I pushing myself to the very dark side of life?

I think so.

All things I'm going or have went through recently are, honestly, pretty bad for myself. But unfortunately, I'm too weak to control myself. I'm losing the war. My desire beats my self- control and the plan fails every single time.

How does it feel?
Painful, depressing, guilty, disappointing, regretful, discouraging, exhausting, tiring, killing.
The feeling you get when you want something so badly, but could not be achieved because of your own mistakes, your own hands that destroyed your hopes, your chances, again and again.

I wish to end this. I know it will never do me any good, in fact it kills me, bit by bit, day by day. But everytime when it strikes, I feel so helpless, so useless. I could do nothing but to surrender and follow what it says.

I wish I could turn back the time.

===
Thank god its Friday.
Dammit, co-curriculum activities are never ending and I'm freaking sick of it.

I need some rest.

You are NOT welcomed!

When I change my bloglink, I believe you are not that dumb to not realise what is my intention of doing it.

Come on, we all have privacy. Stop trying to dig out my secrets if I don't want you to. I know blog is a public diary and that is why I'm not locking it up, but I'm sure you know I do not want any of YOU to find out.

Don't force me to privatise my blog.
Make our life easy.

Know what's MYOB?
Mind your own business.

Stay away!